||[Sep. 12th, 2004|09:44 pm]
I know I haven't updated in here forever.. and I don't really know why.
I'm in one of those moods again, it came really quickly and unexpected. I was on the phone with Brandon a bit ago and was so happy. Now, I'm fucking depressed and on the verge of crying again. The stupidest fucking thing started all of this, and then it just progressed - I started thinking and that's never good. Now I feel like shit about things that haven't really crossed my mind in a while. I'm talking to Adam and crying. Ugh, here goes the Emo shit.
I was just thinking and I don't have a true friend. Now I'm sure you're all like "what?! I'm your friend!" and so on. But it's different.. Do any of you have a friend who you could say this to, and mean it? "I know that I can always talk to you. That's why I tell you everything... and by everything, I mean EVERYTHING. Cause I know you understand me completely and I trust you with everything in my head. I love you more and more each day, honestly. Haha, I sound so corny. But it's true. I love you soooo much."
Well I don't. I don't have any that come remotely close. I have an amazing boyfriend, and people I go out and get high with. I have people I talk to from the internet, and the occasional people I'll talk to/hang out with.. but none I can actually open up to, and trust them with my secrets. I feel so fucking alone right now, like I've got nobody. It's funny, because I am really depressed, and I feel like shit inside - but I have no intention of cutting. I guess, deep down inside I've realized that it's going to accomplish nothing. And all it will do is make me feel worse, more suicidal, and ..so on. It just doesn't make me feel better like it used to. I'd really like some pot right now though - I'd feel so fucking much better.
Can you become addicted to weed? Because I think I am. Whenever I'm not stoned - I'm fuckin depressed and always wanting it. And whenever I'm coming off a high, I'm pissy and want more. I guess it kinda scares me, because I saw the way my dad was.. how my aunt is - and I don't want to be that way. At the same time, I know I'm not going to quit smoking it. I'm hoarding all the lunch money and shit that my mom gives me so that I can buy weed. Brandon and I talked about it, and I think he's really worried about me. He wants me to at least cut down, but it isn't like I do it everyday. I don't know- fuck I feel shitty.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.